I Think I’ve Lost My Spirit…

This is so very hard for me…. I need to post.  I have SO so so much to post about – wonderful homeowner makeovers, lovely finishes I’ve created, rooms I’ve made over – even comical pictures to share about our pup Bella and her adventures…. but I’m frozen.  I don’t want to post about that – my heart is somewhere else… it is aching, and here it is Christmas time, and I’m having a hard time getting into the spirit.  How can that be?

I want to come here and pour my soul… that’s typically how I do things…. but where do you draw the line when things are personal?  Do you hold it all in so the nosy neighbors or so called friends don’t know your business?  Put a smile on your face and act like things are fine?

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh…..  things are not fine.   This will be my last Christmas here at the place that I’ve called home for ten years.  My heart is broken.  I know its just a house – I’ve been sorting out whats important and whats not for the last couple years… but?  It’s STILL been our home… the place we’ve poured our heart and soul – and wallet – in … the place that so many memories have been built with the kids.

We put the tree up this weekend…

Hanging ornaments that reminded me of better times – when we had so much time ahead of us, when a company valued hard work/dedication and effort, when it made perfect sense to purchase a big house with a big mortgage –

My sister and mom would kick me right now – “It’s nobody’s business” they’d say….  Well, it is what it is.   No secrets here – no fake smiles on my face – next month when the for sale sign gets pounded in the front yard it will be out in the open.   There isn’t much you can do when your company cuts your income in half.  Well,  you can try and survive – cut out the frivolous spending, all the extras,   keep the thermostat low and wear warmer socks…  but I’m hear to tell you that after near three years of that, it isn’t making a difference – all its done is make a dent in our savings…  This house is meant for a bigger income, lost.

So you face reality,  and let the house go, realizing you will lose every penny you put in to it,  then move forward and saving so we can start again.    Can you imagine that?   Well, you probably can – everyone is feeling the same housing value drop –  our area has seen values cut in half.  My husband has worked hard his whole life, always put work first – over 30 years with a company,  the provider –  we should be thankful he at least has a job – so may others have it worse than us.

So it was hard decorating this year.   Sure, we’ll take it with us, but……

The unknown is what’s the hardest.   Its hard not to be scared…

I set up the manger.    Talk about ‘scared’  and ‘unknowns’,  what about Mary and Joseph?  They remained faithful that all was with purpose….

I need to keep reminding myself of that  – God is here with my family.  He will watch over us and keep us safe.  Have faith.

So if I disappear for a few days,  don’t worry – know I’ll be back.  This is one of the few places I call home that no one CAN take from me!

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17 responses to “I Think I’ve Lost My Spirit…

  1. My heart goes out to you . It is very hard this year for so many . The whole country has taken a big cut . So many have lost jobs , homes , and their dignity . Dignity seems to be the worst hurt .
    It is very hard to have to walk away and start over . I have been their more than once .
    It just tugs at you and to not be able to tell anyone how you feel makes it worse .
    Sometimes it is nice to talk with people who you do not really know as they have had experiences too .
    Keep your chin up . I know it is hard , but life has to go on . It is never easy , but you have a family and love with your family that no one can take away from you .
    They can’t take your pride , but it sure feels like they kick the crud out of it .
    Keep your chin up . I am sending prayers to you for some peace of mind and comfort .
    Know you are not alone .
    Big hugs to you
    Deb

  2. I so understand the depth of your sadness. The year I lost my Christmas spirit was the Christmas my husband left me and six of our children. And I made a terrible, terrible mistake. I took my eyes off of God – and tried to do things by myself. That made me sadder and more depressed.

    You have a big house, but it is not the home. God is in your home.
    You have had wonderful memories living and decorating this place, but they are memories. God will provide your future.
    This may “feel like a failure” but you know better because you know you are making the best decisions that you can in these times. God will provide.
    My mom used to sing the hymn “His eye is own the sparrow, and I know He watches Me.” It was and is a source of hope.
    If God provides for the birds of the air, how much more will He provide for you…

    Remember that your family is more important than any building, and that you will find a right place to live. No one can judge a person following the will of God.

    Hang in there. You have give great inspiration to others.

    • oh Rebecca I am sorry you had to live through that sorrow and pain… how difficult that would have been…..

      I can imagine how life, so chaotic, could get in the way of seeing God’s hand, all the time there, reaching out to us – offering His support and love…. I know I’ve lost sight before…..

      Your words offer great comfort as well…. I am always amazed at how faith filled so many of us are! At least most people reading blogs it seems! xoxoxo

  3. I am so sorry to read your sad news about having to sell your home and starting over somewhere else. It can happen to anyone and more and more, it is.

    I wish you and your family a Blessed Christmas. I hope the new year brings you a fresh and bright beginning anew.

    Maureen

    • ya, it sucks for so many , some days it feels like our world is falling apart… we’ll make a place to call ‘home’ again and for certain will be in a happier place…

      You have a wonderfully blessed Christmas as well, thank you!

  4. My heart does go out to you during this Patty. I can understand how you feel. We are truly blessed to have our place, but we hang on by a shoestring most of the time. Steve’s job brings in good money, but can stop at any time so we live on faith that God is in charge….easy? Not on your life, but I cant imagine living without Him in charge. I can tell you good friends just lost their home that they had for over 15 years, and they really didn’t know what their future held. Today, the house is gone, but their life and lives are better than before. The weight of that time has been lifted and they are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel where they only saw hopelessness before. As I use to tell my husband, when he needed to hear it, and now he tells me when I’m feeling less than adequate….”Let God and Let God”. Blessings to you this Christmas!

    • Suppose to be Let Go and Let God….you take care and have a wonderful Christmas with your family.

      • Vicki, Ive head that often – similar stories to your friend – it’s hard to realize that now, but I’m sure when we get there we’ll be able to look back and be thankful that we did what we did….

        And, actually even “Let God and Let God” works! 🙂 I should write that where I can see it every day – “Let go and let God” -knock the worry away…

        You and your family have a Joyous Christmas and great wishes for 2011!

  5. I feel for you Patty, we often think that we should have sold our house 5 years ago, but I am to attached! We should have sold our home 2 years ago when the market started to crash around us, we have made some changes and we are ok right now, with the help of the bank. With both of us being self employed it’s hard. I have been detaching myself from our home and we are in the process of de personalizing each room, we will put it on the market in 1- 1 1/2 years. It’s never easy, but when you put your faith in the Lord and follow his plan everything will work out. Big hugs to you my friend, enjoy the holiday with the family.
    I love you!
    Jenn

    • love you back Jenn…. its so easy to look back and ‘woulda, shoulda, coulda…’ , but we all did what we thought was best for ourselves at the time…. I can relate, was much more attached to my home 5 years ago… Hope your holidays were filled with joy – xoxo

  6. You don’t know me, I found your website by accident, but you are not alone. 5 years ago, my husband was “severed” by his company and we lived, much like you did, just trying to hold on.
    5 years later, we are 600 miles away, in the cold north, neither of my kids knew anyone here. But, we are together. We have a different house now-one we didn’t build, but it’s new, it’s nice, I guess. But I miss my old house, in the South.
    But we are together.
    You have a big family and you know it’s a wonderful thing to be “intact” nowadays!
    It’s hard to remember to be grateful when you have to sacrifice, but you must try. Because in the end, it’s not the big house that matters.
    God bless you and keep you.
    gratefully,
    Sissy

    • Your words ring the truth – I especially appreciate this line –

      “It’s hard to remember to be grateful when you have to sacrifice, but you must try. Because in the end, it’s not the big house that matters”

      it is something to be one with family now a days, and just this week celebrating Christmas with my parents and siblings etc made me realize, even more, just how important those life lines are… they strengthen me, remind me that we have so much still to be thankful for – love, our health, each other….

      I am sorry that you and your family had to experience tough circumstances first hand – that had to have been tough moving so far away from the place you called home… but as you point out, you are together – in time, together you can make anyplace a Home.

      Thank you!

  7. Thought I would drop by this early morning . Wanted to see how your Holiday was for you ? I hope that you had a wonderful one .
    Keep thinking of you , knowing that things are tugging at your heart .
    Said my prayers for you to be lifted up in your spirits m and lift the worry from your heart .
    I find , that , if I donate to somewhere like , the church , goodwill , salvation army , a person less fortunate , it gives me a good feeling . Especially , knowing that even though I do not have it to give , I still find a way to dontate something .
    I often wonder how people end up where they are and know that it is very hard and pray never to be in their shoes .
    I am thankful everyday , not to be homeless , and have to pray that somone who does have it to give will do so .
    People preach all the time about giving , and it is usually the ones who can do so and not even miss it , but they don’t .
    They need to go back to the barn raising days and ways . This world would bea much better place .
    Know that I am thinking of you and senging hugs and prayers .
    Deb
    .

    • Very good point my friend – this will be an easy year to donate as little by little everything will have to be sorted through and cleaned out. And they say donations have been down the last couple years, what with crap economy so I’m sure it will be appreciated!

      Holidays were pretty low key, nice visits with family and loved ones, but came and went much too quicky… how about you?

      We’ve always maintained a pretty clean place, so its not like I have major cleaning to get things ready for market, but I do have to get into things like drawers, cabinets and closets – and the dreadful furnace room. Thats my goal the next couple weeks – that, and holding it together while doing so! Appreciate the prayers!

  8. Oh Patty, my heart is hurting for you and your family. I haven’t been to your blog in a while and thought I would stop by and visit. I just had no idea what I would read….it brings tears to my eyes. I know things are scary right now, but I also know that God has a plan for you and your family. I’ve watched your kids grow through pictures since they were young and I know how much family means to you. They, along with God, will give you the strength to get through this. I know your heart and I know your determination…..you WILL come out on the other side of this a happier, stronger person! Things are hard here as well….but I was fortunate and qualified for a mortgage modification…which cut my mortgage almost in half. If God had not blessed me with this….I would be putting the ‘for sale’ sign up as well. Be strong my friend and know that I, along with others, will be sending up prayers for you and your family.
    Marti

    • ya, kinda sucks doesn’t it? but hey, could be far worse – thats what i keep telling myself… death, illness, ZERO job….. it’s the circle of life – we’re all on it, finding our way along, living and learning –

      It’s the Circle of Life
      And it moves us all
      Through despair and hope
      Through faith and love
      Till we find our place
      On the path unwinding
      In the Circle
      The Circle of Life

      …. never paid much attention to the words before 🙂

      thanks for re affirming that God has His eye on us – He knows the way for us, we just have to listen to Him and keep the faith…. your prayers are appreciated for certain!

      thats awesome news that you were able to re modify your loan – that, I’m sure, helped ease some serious stress…. Lets all pray for better times, and brighter futures in this blessed country of ours!

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